I hate when God gives me a command to follow and one loud enough that i cannot ignore.
For well over a year now, I have begged for God to take this cup from me because the sacrifice is too great.
When I start following the command, the push back was very real. I lost “friends”, made enemies and created a list of individuals who talked about me on every level you can imagine; behind my back, to my friends and even in front of me.
They questioned my calling as a chaplain…..and as a Christian. Yeah, no reason for me to take that personally.
I’ve been called many names. I’ve seen the RBF mastered by the best. The stares sting. The intentional ignoring of my “hellos, good mornings, hey theres” has gotten to a point of laughter, just to keep my heart protected. They wanted to get to me and I have to admit, they did. All of these behaviors were coming from people who over a year ago, called me their friend. I guess they really weren’t friends.
Don’t think I’m whining. I’m not. Don’t think their judgement was worse than my personal punishment. I have been angry. I still am. I have cried. i have pushed people away. I have punished myself. I have learned not to trust anyone. I know I’ve pushed back at people. I know I’ve yelled and have been bitter. The very people I trusted, left me alone; but not without punishing me and squeezing all the salt and juice they were able, into my pain.
What would that do to you?
I hate when God gives me a command to follow.
What has God commanded me to do?
To be a Voice for the Voiceless……..
I am an ordained woman minister, full-time vocation called chaplain, with a moderate to progressive theology that i have studied, developed, written, researched and prayed over for almost 20 years. I have been beside the very people who I have to speak out for; the marginalized, shunned, discounted individuals, who time and time again, are made to feel unworthy and unloved…..and worse, are told it comes from God.
You’d be surprised to know that the most caring, compassionate, spiritual, non-critical support I’ve received over this year, behavior that christians are called to provide for others….was from an athiest.
When I speak for those who can’t, who am I speaking for? Does it matter who it is? The fact that people are being made to feel this way is evil enough without my labeling them, too. Society already has.
I know I have work to do on my voice and on my heart. I get that. The anger is real. The brokenness is real. The pain is real. I have not healed. This hurts to the depths of my soul, deeper than I thought possible and it came at an incredible cost – the loss of someone very dear to me.
I was close to someone for almost a year. Closest I’ve been to someone in a very long time, close enough that he had my trust. He knew me and I knew him. It was the oddest connection I’ve seen but it felt right. I knew people were talking about it, yet didn’t have the courage to ask. They didn’t think I could hear them. I knew what they were saying. “How in the world can she support this guy? How can she hang out with him? Why is he hanging out with her? Can’t he see who she is? Are you kidding?” They hated that he cared about me. They hated that I cared about him. I knew they did because I felt the remnants of it every single day.
We came to an abrupt end just over a year ago. The pain of what the other was gong through became too real. Became too close. We were too close. He hurt me. I hurt him. Society won, again. I lost and he lost the only person who understood exactly what the other was going through; the only person willing to be there for the other at any given moment. He needed someone who understood him. I needed someone who understood me. We had that in one another. Now, we don’t have either.
I hate when God gives me a command to follow.
I am a voice for the voiceless because I understand what they are feeling. No matter how much I don’t want to be, i have to be a voice. I understand the anger, the fear, the resentment, the pain and the distrust. I have been given a voice in which to stand next to them and speak up for them; to speak up with them; no matter the outcome.
I hate when God gives me a command to follow because it can come at a painful cost.
Then again, isn’t that the Sacrifice? Isn’t that what Christ did for me? For you?
I didn’t want to write this post. I really didn’t want to. It’s been building up for months now and hit me last night that it needed to happen. I didn’t want to write about what happened. It was just fine staying locked inside of me. I didn’t want to write. Somebody had another plan and commanded that I do.
Maybe it was time I became a voice for me.