I’m Fine but I Still Have Questions

I’ve had some kind people ask how I am doing since I posted my last blog.  For the record, I am doing fine.  I can promise you that if I weren’t doing fine, I would not have been able to write all that I did on my previous posts, or other posts where I shared some of my personal life.  If I weren’t doing well, I would have kept all of that information in my soul and allowed it to continue bubbling through resentment, hate, anger and hurt.  The fact that I shared as much as I did means I am doing better.

As I continue to grow and develop in my years, I still have questions that don’t have acceptable answers.  I am coming to you for that.  Based on my experience, I’ve had to reconsider my definitions of certain words in my vocabulary.  I’ve had to consider changing my views on certain positions as well.  If you feel so inclined to help me find answers to these questions, I will greatly appreciate it.

IMG_03801. I have to redefine what the word “family” means.  

The only definition of family I have is not a good one.  How do you define family now?  What does it mean when your biological family hasn’t come to see you in almost 6 years of living out of state? What is family to you?

2. I have to redefine what the word “friend” means.

Not too long ago, the word “friend” was very important to me. I could say to my friend, “I would do anything for you”.  That friend said, “I can’t say that.”  The word friend was an extremely important word to me, however I am finding out the definition isn’t the same for others.   In some ways, not even close to similar.    Who would you consider a friend? And what would you do for a friend?

Note:  one thing I have not gotten better at, and that’s finding friendship now.  Due to my experience with the above question, I am afraid to ask for new friends, not knowing how to define them, how to build trust with them and how to connect.  Be patient and understanding.

3.  I am learning it may not be possible for a single female to have married male friends.

Growing up with three older brothers and being a daddy’s girl, I tend to get along better with men.  There is absolutely nothing to fear with that.  Many men my age are married.   That’s not the surprise to me.  What is surprising is the fact that their wives don’t think it’s appropriate to have lunch with a female friend, or coffee, or even a phone conversation (although nobody uses the phone anymore anyway).  I guess you can call me singly naïve, but I don’t understand this.  Where is the trust?

4.  Is there anyone out there willing to do anything for a friend?

IMG_1521Who can I call at 3 in the morning when I am crying, hurting, in the hospital or in jail?   One of my favorite songs when I first became a Christian was Michael W. Smith’s “Friends”.  One verse, “A friend will not say never, ‘cause the welcome will not end.”  Does that ring true now? Does a friend “not say never”?

Disclaimer: Just for the record, I am having some anxiety about posting the question on friendship. I have some good people in my life now who call me “friend” that I work with. Please don’t be scared and please don’t leave. I won’t call you at 3:00 in the morning.  But I wouldn’t mind a cup of coffee or glass of wine after work.  And I love kids, so having a family is fine with me.

Dear world, your thoughts to any or all of these will be greatly appreciated.

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2 Responses to I’m Fine but I Still Have Questions

  1. e1aine says:

    Interesting questions.

    Family. I have a very close, very loving family but when they moved away one by one (confession time) I didn’t bother to go and see them. Ouch, I hadn’t really thought of that. No lack of love there though. Brothers, they are interesting. Mine don’t bother with me much but I know from experience that if I ever needed them they would be there with bells on, I suspect yours might be the same, but lets hope you don’t need to test it.

    Friends. I have a wide range of friends. I care deeply for them all. I have a few – very few – extra special, long time friends who I’d do almost anything for. Almost. You have to think about what ‘anything’ means. Kill, lie, put them before my children, give them money I don’t have? No. It would be a mistake for all concerned. I realise you know this but you may find that your friend defined ‘anything’ more literally than you. It would be a scary commitment to make to someone.

    That said I have given my friends money and been there at 3am for them and all this is quite reasonable, they too have been there for me.

    I hope my point of view helps a little bit. I’m not sure it does.

    If you literally would kill, cheat, lie etc for your friends you are probably someone who is trying to find something more than friendship (I don’t mean literally you – I am musing), perhaps a non judgemental love that a parent would offer or a deep spiritual connection. I think some people do look for that sometimes. I don’t think that is what you are looking for, you have your faith and I envy you that rather.

    Hope I haven’t been too forthright.

  2. nonprofitlaura says:

    First, let me say I’m glad you’re okay. I found your previous post from ? Twitter possibly? and then read one or two additional posts, so I do not know a whole lot about your story. Regarding Elaine’s comment: If you are looking for something, some kind of connection with someone, I can only tell you my experience: the more I kept looking, the further “it” got away from me. Only after I relaxed, went about my life, and accepted things for what they were, did this connection find me. (That is, in fact, how I was finally able to start living a spiritual life.) As for your questions:

    1. You can’t pick your family of origin, but you can choose who you spend time with, who you allow to rent space in your head, who you share your hopes and dreams and fears with. That’s even better. My family is not close and does not communicate very well or very often; we never have. I talk to my 4 brothers maybe once or twice a year – and one of them lives 30 minutes away from me. It’s funny, we all get along, we like each other, and I’m pretty sure we love each other – we just don’t do anything about it. Is that weird?
    2. Friends? I defer to Elaine above.
    3. Of course single females can have married male friends! It just depends on healthy each individual involved is, and on how secure the marrieds feel in their relationship. But yes, it is definitely possible.
    4. I would do *almost* anything for a friend, too. There are some things I would not do – I would not kill someone, or hurt a puppy, or trip a senior citizen, or take candy from a baby for a friend. Those things are either illegal, immoral, or just plain wrong, and you have to draw the line somewhere. Other than that, I’ll help a friend, acquaintance, or even a certain type of stranger in any way I can. I am lucky enough to be part of a large network of support groups where I have learned to give freely of myself in order to help another and have found the humanistic and spiritual benefits to be practically overwhelming. My close friends? Yes, they are special.

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