Around a year ago, my good friend Jenny Call introduced me to Brene Brown. If you don’t know who she is, you haven’t been introduced to TED Talks, Oprah Winfrey or the tops selling books. Jenny and I read the book, Daring Greatly together. She’s also written others, including The Gifts of Imperfection. Brene talks about shame and vulnerability and how much of a disease shame is and the impact shame can have on your life. That shame keeps one from being vulnerable, from being real, from being honest and from being imperfect. It’s a dreadful, exhausting and debilitating disease.
I have that disease.
I have some of the highest levels of shame you can imagine. It comes with a life long feeling of not being worthy enough of people’s time or love. People showed me that I wasn’t worthy enough of their time, their love, or their commitment. I believed it to be true. It also comes from a life long battle of being teased, ridiculed and shamed for my weight, my looks, and my intelligence. Sadly, it showed as much during my adulthood and as it did during my childhood and teen years. I believed it to be true and deep down underneath all the physical bandages of weight, that shame developed into the stage of not feeling worthy enough to invest in myself.
THAT has to change. There is no other option. I can’t change anyone else. I can only change me. The sad piece of this change is the fact that I have made several attempts before and then the disease comes back. It returns when I am reminded of that pain and hurt, through people’s actions and lack thereof. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t let people have that control over me. Maybe by sharing with you, through this step of vulnerability, you can hold me accountable, pray, seek and be there for me.
The investment I made in myself is I signed up for Brene Brown’s online course on The Gifts of Imperfection. It will be two courses combined into 12 weeks, working on turning myself into me and embracing whoever that is. It’s another step to working on my wholehearted living. I’ve made some good decisions since being here in the land of Greenville, but I’ve had some setbacks too. By investing in this time of me, through creativity and commitment, I can move forward again. I will feel like I am worth it.
That was my blessing on the 10th Day of Christmastide. This may have been the hardest one to see, but I at least I did.
Brene Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability
Brene Brown’s talk on Shame