I Don’t Deserve This

I don’t deserve this.

IMG_1273That’s what I said through all of this.  I drove home today with a Honda CR-V and I want to defend my decision to you.  I want to justify it.  I want to say I didn’t pay full price and got a great deal on it and a couple of free things with it too.  I want to rationalize with you why I should have this car now.  More importantly, I want to rationalize with my own voice that I should have this car.

Here is the thing though; it’s not even the fact that it’s a Honda. I have a new job, a new apartment AND a new car and that completely blows my mind.  I sat at the dealership waiting for them to wash the car and wondered how is this possible.  After weeks and weeks of Internet shopping and a week of talking with sales people on the phone I have a new car.  It’s not used. It’s not dented.  There is no smoke coming out of the back.  The engine is not louder than a school bus.  The tire doesn’t have a bubble.  The doors open all the way.  There aren’t cracks in the windshield and its not leaking oil.

IMG_1129And I am able to have this car because I have a new job as a chaplain.  I am moving in a week because a hospital has called me to be the Oncology Chaplain and assist with rebuilding staff relations.

How in the world of all that is holy, is this possible?

I have spent months and months looking for the job.  I knew I was meant to be a chaplain.  After years of going through the wilderness and wondering how I screwed up the first call, I found out where I am supposed to be.  I don’t regret a moment of what I went through.  As I told a friend over coffee, I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe I can learn something from everything that happens.   Here I am, two weeks away from starting my new journey as a chaplain.

How in the world of all that is holy, is this possible?

You have no idea how much I had to fight the voices in my head that were telling me how undeserving I am to receive any of this.  Even after two great people have let me stay at their home WELL beyond the expiration date, I fight these voices.  Even after my car died and another friend offered her car at no cost, I fight these voices.  I have to fight almost daily to come to an understanding that I am deserving of this.

IMG_1124For so long, I was told I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve to have any of this.  Not too long ago, I was treated the same way.  I guess that’s where it all comes from. You hear something for so long, you start to believe it.  But things are changing.  I have a job that I am called to do. I have a new apartment. I have a new car.  The sad part is, I am waiting for something bad to happen.  That’s the difficulty with having the crap that I have in my head.  Every day I have to work to keep those voices from becoming permanent.

I am not alone though.  Through God’s grace of those that love me and have been with me through all of this, I think I am learning.  Just a few minutes ago, someone sent me a Facebook message that this is Karma coming back to me.  Could that be?  Could all the work that I have been doing to change the voices, to fill the heart, to be kind to myself and to “feel the love” actually be coming to a level of understanding? To a level of worthiness?  It has been such a long hard road of work and recovery.   I still don’t believe it.  It’s surreal.

IMG_1192I am thanking God for every moment; every single moment that allows me to grow closer to God and to me.

It’s not about the Honda, but it sure does feel good.

 

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5 Responses to I Don’t Deserve This

  1. Min says:

    You TOTALLY deserve it. Just the fact that you are an Oncology Chaplain…that’s got to be one of the hardest jobs in the world. And you’re excited for the journey! You’re a strong and amazing person and I’m proud of you! Have fun with your new wheels!

  2. Karla Miller says:

    so happy for you dear one! you do DESERVE to be all that you are called to be, and all of who God made you to be, and YOU are BELOVED.

  3. David Rice says:

    NO ONE deserves it Moore, Linda!!

  4. Ron Smith says:

    Linda,

    Congratulations on the new job, new apartment, and new car. Good luck and best wishes in your new endeavor as an oncology chaplain. Take care.

  5. Trish Tyler Ferrett says:

    Linda, you beautiful, wonderful, Phillip Bailey/Phil Collins singing thing… you deserve ALL of this, and more. You are so selfless and give so much, it’s about time for you to receive a few material perks for your continued journey. You dig? The Lord helps them who help themselves (which you have done), but even more so, the Lord occasionally kicks you a few nice things–particularly when you have done so much in His service. You don’t have to wait until you’re DONE to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant!” Listen up… you’re getting some VERY deserved pats on the back. Open up your heart and mind, and let ’em in, Sister. Let ’em in!

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