I am writing about today’s devotion now because I can’t seem to get it off my mind. The Happiness Devotion talked about “Anticipation” and the wonderful giddy feeling you have when you anticipate that “moment” in life. The moment can be something you’ve been hoping and awaiting for a while, like a new job, holidays, vacation, new school, fitting in old jeans, etc.…. The devotion asked me, “what happy moment are you anticipating?”
Obviously, the moment I am thinking of is when I am finally offered a job as a chaplain. It’s going to be that moment when all the work, all the frustration, all the prayer, commitment, crying, anxiety, and hopeless thoughts turn into, YES – finally!
I have to be honest about something. I read this devotion and worked through it with my prayer journal today. I prayed about it, thought about it, and thought about it some more. I could not find the “happy” in my anticipation. I feel guilty and wrong about that, but I couldn’t. Does that mean I am a lost cause? I have been anticipating this new job for a while now and it has not come. Needless to say, my patience isn’t at the highest level of hope right now.
A part of me feels like I am already failing at my journey towards happiness. On the second day of my 31 days, I can’t feel the “happy”. The devotion is good about reminding me that in order to make the anticipation and dream real, we have to put some effort into making it happen. I am. I am working and doing what I can to make it possible. I am working to stay positive and keep my faith above my heart level but some days are harder than others. Today seems to be one of those days. I spent four hours on one cover letter because I couldn’t write with clarity and affirmation in my own work.
And if I am perfectly honest with you, after reflecting on the “anticipation”, I actually cried because I couldn’t feel the happiness in my anticipation. I know I am called to be a chaplain. It’s been affirmed to me over and over again by some wonderful people. I’ve worked for this calling since I was 3 years old and to be unemployed this long and not having any results – ugh. I’ve been so close, even flying out for a final interview and presentation for a position I thought I had in the bag. I didn’t.
I know the anticipation is going to be good. I just know it. When I anticipate a vacation to the Outer Banks, I get all giddy like a schoolgirl as I drive over the bridge that leads to the coast. It’s a wonderful spirited feeling that fills my heart with joy. I even clap my hands like an excited jumping bean. I want to feel that again. A trip to the Outer Banks? Sure. But that will come in time. It’s the feeling I got when I went to see Wicked on Broadway. I will never forget that moment. My heart was jumping. I was Charlie with the golden ticket in her hand. That anticipation felt so wonderful, so good.
I want that feeling of anticipation, of something new, of crossing the finish line, of feeling like all the work paid off. I want that feeling of anticipation that God is so happy with the work I’ve done; getting to the place where I’ve finally gotten it right. I’ve answered God’s call correctly. I am affirmed in what God has called me to do and there it is – my vocational calling answered. I don’t want to think that what I’ve done over the past 10 years was wrong. I want God to be proud of me and I want to be able to do what God is calling me to do. That is what I am anticipating. That’s what I want to feel.
I want to drive over the bridge and find my place on that coast, affirmed in my calling, blessed in being able to share what God has given to me, doing what God wants me to do and know that God is proud.
Yes, I recognize that the fact I am looking to this job, as something to make me happy is a sign that something else wrong. What is wrong with this world, when we can’t feel happy
unless we are working? What is wrong with me? Yes, I recognize how wrong this entry is theologically and otherwise. I am working through it. I am working harder than you can imagine to get through it. Trust me. I am.
Maybe my anticipation is finding that fulfillment in myself is happy enough.
Note: One thing that made me happy today is the fact I wrote a note to a friend. Yes, that old fashioned form of communication that you need a postage stamp for. I took time to write a note and send a cute little photo to a friend of mine today. That made me happy. And writing this entry made me feel better. Thank you for listening.