Anticipation – Not Such a Happy Moment

I am writing about today’s devotion now because I can’t seem to get it off my mind.  The Happiness Devotion talked about “Anticipation” and the wonderful giddy feeling you have when you anticipate that “moment” in life.  The moment can be something you’ve been hoping and awaiting for a while, like a new job, holidays, vacation, new school, fitting in old jeans, etc.…. The devotion asked me, “what happy moment are you anticipating?”

Obviously, the moment I am thinking of is when I am finally offered a job as a chaplain.  It’s going to be that moment when all the work, all the frustration, all the prayer, commitment, crying, anxiety, and hopeless thoughts turn into, YES – finally!

IMG_2552I have to be honest about something.  I read this devotion and worked through it with my prayer journal today. I prayed about it, thought about it, and thought about it some more.  I could not find the “happy” in my anticipation.  I feel guilty and wrong about that, but I couldn’t.  Does that mean I am a lost cause?  I have been anticipating this new job for a while now and it has not come.  Needless to say, my patience isn’t at the highest level of hope right now.

A part of me feels like I am already failing at my journey towards happiness.  On the second day of my 31 days, I can’t feel the “happy”.  The devotion is good about reminding me that in order to make the anticipation and dream real, we have to put some effort into making it happen.  I am. I am working and doing what I can to make it possible.  I am working to stay positive and keep my faith above my heart level but some days are harder than others.  Today seems to be one of those days.  I spent four hours on one cover letter because I couldn’t write with clarity and affirmation in my own work.

And if I am perfectly honest with you, after reflecting on the “anticipation”, I actually cried because I couldn’t feel the happiness in my anticipation.  I know I am called to be a chaplain.  It’s been affirmed to me over and over again by some wonderful people.  I’ve worked for this calling since I was 3 years old and to be unemployed this long and not having any results – ugh.  I’ve been so close, even flying out for a final interview and presentation for a position I thought I had in the bag.  I didn’t.

I know the anticipation is going to be good.  I just know it.  When I anticipate a vacation to the Outer Banks, I get all giddy like a schoolgirl as I drive over the bridge that leads to the coast.  It’s a wonderful spirited feeling that fills my heart with joy.  I even clap my hands like an excited jumping bean. I want to feel that again.  A trip to the Outer Banks? Sure. But that will come in time.  It’s the feeling I got when I went to see Wicked on Broadway.  I will never forget that moment.  My heart was jumping.  I was Charlie with the golden ticket in her hand.  That anticipation felt so wonderful, so good.

I want that feeling of anticipation, of something new, of crossing the finish line, of feeling like all the work paid off.  I want that feeling of anticipation that God is so happy with the work I’ve done; getting to the place where I’ve finally gotten it right.  I’ve answered God’s call correctly. I am affirmed in what God has called me to do and there it is – my vocational calling answered.  I don’t want to think that what I’ve done over the past 10 years was wrong.  I want God to be proud of me and I want to be able to do what God is calling me to do.  That is what I am anticipating.   That’s what I want to feel.

I want to drive over the bridge and find my place on that coast, affirmed in my calling, blessed in being able to share what God has given to me, doing what God wants me to do and know that God is proud.

Yes, I recognize that the fact I am looking to this job, as something to make me happy is a sign that something else wrong. What is wrong with this world, when we can’t feel happy

Long Way Up

Long Way Up

unless we are working?  What is wrong with me? Yes, I recognize how wrong this entry is theologically and otherwise.  I am working through it. I am working harder than you can imagine to get through it. Trust me.  I am.

Maybe my anticipation is finding that fulfillment in myself is happy enough.

Oh boy.

Note:  One thing that made me happy today is the fact I wrote a note to a friend.  Yes, that old fashioned form of communication that you need a postage stamp for. I took time to write a note and send a cute little photo to a friend of mine today.  That made me happy.  And writing this entry made me feel better. Thank you for listening.

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3 Responses to Anticipation – Not Such a Happy Moment

  1. Hello Linda!

    I found your blog because you also commented on one of Opinionated Man’s entries.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. It is wonderful to see someone be starkly honest with herself, and even more commendable to see someone be that same amount of honest with other people, many who she has not met in person.

    The LORD is proud of you. He wants you to know that tonight. He is proud of you and He is proud of the progress you’ve made so far and He believes in you. He loves you and He sees your heart and He knows the beauty inside of you. He is aware that you long to use this to bring Him glory instead of using it for selfish reasons.

    He will bring about the fulfillment of His promise to you in His perfect timing. Remember how long Abraham and Sarah had to wait? (I absolutely love that story; it blows my mind.) In the meantime, make sure you are doing nothing to hold back that fulfillment. To explain, a friend recently recounted her job search story to me and reminded me how she wasted 6 months having pity parties. It was a great wake-up call; it made me realize all that I have to be thankful for and led me to pray that God’s will be done in my situation – that my desires for a job would be His desires.

    I believe that this devotional will encourage you some: http://www.intouch.org/magazine/content.aspx?topic=Maintaining_Joy_Devotional

    as well as today’s devotional in Jesus Calling (I have a hard copy and read it every morning while eating breakfast. It is powerful and God has used it to draw me so much closer to Himself! You can find it in Christian bookstores, sometimes in Walmart or Target, and definitely on Amazon.):

    “Worship Me only. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to Me.” (Psalm 112:7; 1 Corinthians 13:11)

    Here is a verse God brought to mind:
    “”No weapon forged against you will prevail,
    and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
    This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
    and this is their vindication from me,”
    declares the LORD.” -Isaiah 54:17.

    Also, check out Psalm 37:4, John 15, and Psalm 91.

    I look forward to reading more of your posts. The LORD’s been teaching me a lot lately, and I would love for you to check out my blog when you get the chance. Hopefully the entries will encourage you.

    Love in Christ,
    Catherine

    Oh! I almost forgot. This is a wonderful song…and it speaks truth over your situation. 🙂

  2. Linda Moore says:

    Catherine, thank you. Thank you for your gifts of words and encouragement. I am humbled by them, in good and grateful ways. You spoke with your heart and spirit and I can feel that. I can feel your prayers. Thank you.

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