All of my thoughts in this discernment of uncertainty and hope bring me to a point that this process is indeed a roller coaster. There are good moments and there are not-so-good moments. This week has brought out both.
I can chalk it up to being exhausted, but the view of the horizon has faded just a bit. It’s a little “blurred” as I described it to someone the other day. I read my previous entries and see that deep down I know things will be all right and there is a great plan that God has in store for me. I just wish God would tell me what the plan is. You know what I mean? Someone described it to me in such a humorous way, and I won’t do it justice, but she said, “You have a plan and God has a plan, but the two of you just haven’t connected yet.” She was right and the one who needs to do some more reaching out for connection is me.
I will confess that events from this week have been a reminder that I am human and I have doubts just like everybody else. The week reminded me that I can’t hold it in all the time and I have to reach out. This week was also a reminder of some of the good that happens when I am not looking.
If you are going through a difficult time right now, reach out to folks. Reach out to people that you can trust and will hear you out. I consider them a part of the “team”. It can be a very difficult time if you are by yourself and when you reach out, you may think nobody is listening. Remember the woman who was hemorrhaging? (Luke 8:40-48) The crowds ignored her because of her bleeding. She needed help and they wouldn’t provide any. She heard about the work and ministry of Jesus; that He could provide whatever healing she needed. I’ve talked about her before, reaching and stretching as far as she can. Through the humiliation and pain, she finally touched the cloak of Jesus Christ. She needed to pull the strength and courage out from the depths of her soul to make it happen. It’s difficult to reach out to that cloak when it seems like everyone is getting in the way, but you have to keep reaching, even if you have to reach pass the people who aren’t helping and reach for the One who will.
I said that good happens too and this week was no exception. Some of my youth surprised me with a birthday dinner at a local restaurant. God surprised me with the word and confidence to challenge a congregation last Sunday. My sleepless night surprised me with an “aha” moment of recognizing that I am not going to change some people no matter how hard I try and I FINALLY let go of that burden. (My family systems group would be so proud.)
I have also been surprised by a song that I wasn’t expecting, Katy Perry’s Firework. I wasn’t expecting that to hit me in the way it has, but I am listening to the lyrics and feeling this spirit. I don’t feel the “spark” at the moment, which is understandable with the roller coaster week I’ve had, but she is reminding me that there is one.
This journey is a roller coaster and I am not going to hide my struggles. It helps me to keep focus. There is much work to be done and I can’t give up. It would be nice to take a time-out, but I can’t. There are days I want to say, “I am done,” but I won’t. I will keep going one step at a time and know that soon, the spark will return.