I have a confession to make

It’s been a challenge to write lately.  There is so much going on in my mind and life right now and I am not sure where to place the focus.  Have you ever had those moments?  Well, I am going through one now.  The other day, I posted on Facebook that I needed help with a topic for my blog – that my brain was a little dry.  I received a few good ideas.  One in particular stood out:  “Write about why your brain is dry”.

I have a confession to make.  I am not exactly sure why my brain is dried.  Maybe it’s the idea that I’ve put it in overload by thinking too much.  The juices have temporarily dried out.  Many questions and thoughts are floating around, as well as confusion and dare I say madness.   It seems as if I am going this way and that way and which way over the other and there is no direction or control.  There is a traffic light missing.  Have you ever felt that way?

There is an exercise in writing called “dumping”.  That’s when you just write out everything that is going on in your mind and dump it out on the paper.  So here is a list of what’s floating around in my mind.

  • I wish I had said something different
  • Am I ever going to live up to their expectations?
  • Am I ever going to live up to my expectations?
  • If people don’t like the way I did something, then they can do it.
  • I wish people would start responding.
  • I know I have disappointed God again.
  • Why do I depend on people so much?
  • Can’t they even see what I am doing?
  • Why can’t I get closer to God?
  • Why won’t I let God get closer to me?
  • I can’t believe this subject is still being brought up.
  • This week was such a great week and nobody will ever know.
  • I need to work on that some more.
  • I don’t care.
  • Whoever invented Netflix must be an introvert.
  • They sure are lucky to have family so close.
  • Hello. Why aren’t you returning my calls?
  • Why did I have to make that comment?
  • How in the world did I make it through seminary with this brain?
  • I really wish someone would start listening to me.
  • That blue jay sure is pretty.
  • What am I hiding behind?
  • Did I do enough this week? Probably not.
  • How can I be “too self-absorbing” and “lacking self-respect” at the same time?
  • Someone really thinks I’m self-absorbing?
  • I haven’t been a very good friend.  Am I expecting too much?  Probably.
  • What is the definition of friendship anyway?
  • How can i do better at my job?
  • They sure are blessed to have beautiful children who love them unconditionally.
  • I am completely drained, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
  • I am having flashbacks to 1998 and 2001. Great.
  • What can I do to change that? I have to do something.
  • Can I afford to do this?
  • I hate that people can see that I have problems.
  • God, how can I keep focus on what YOU want out of me rather than others?
  • God, how can I remember that YOU are the only person I am supposed to please?
  • Why am I so worried about what everybody else thinks?
  • Can you be just a little easier on me?
  • Can I be just a little easier on me?
  • I really wish God would make the messages a little easier to read.
  • Who am I?

So that is dumping.  My mind is tired and confused right now, but rather than rest, I am wondering what you are thinking as you read this list.  “What in the world is wrong with her?”  “How can she be a minister?”  Ministers aren’t supposed to have this much confusion.  Right?  Maybe that’s what makes us understand people better, because many times, we don’t understand either.  Henri Nouwen calls that the “Wounded Healer”.

What this reminds me of is the fact that we are not perfect.  I have flaws as much as you do and God loves us just the same.  So instead of being worried about what others think of me, or what I think of me – maybe I should be worried about what God thinks of me.  I just wish I could hear that voice louder than the others.

That is why my brain is dry right now.

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2 Responses to I have a confession to make

  1. Mary Dell Sigler says:

    Having been in church ministry as a pastor for 11 1/2 years, many of your questions in that area were asked by me and probably anyone else trying to minister to others. Too much is expected and it is never enough no matter how much we try to please. And we do try to please everyone. Not possible. But we think we can do it if we just try hard enough. Also, understand being so far away from family. Very hard especially when we are struggling with something. Know there are lots of us thinking of you and praying for peace and answers as you travel this journey.

  2. karla says:

    hmmm…my response?
    you sound honest and real and in the weeds….

    I immediately think of two scriptures:
    from Luke 12 last week:
    “It is God’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom”….meaning that God adores all of who you are, and it gives Her pleasure to give to you…she is pleased in you!”

    I also like the mind dump idea.

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